Mother In Law - My Outlook

By dictionary definition, this should mean the mother of your spouse. But, in reality,  it is frequently used to refer to the husband’s mother. The Indian Television “soaps/serials” have thrived on this topic for decades together. Memes, Instagram reels & YouTube shorts on this topic are endless ! I have also been in this relationship having a mother in law for the past 3 years.This blog is to share my outlook. This may or may not resonate with the reader. That’s why I have titled it as “My Outlook” 

At the outset, I feel the “woman” who becomes a “mother in law” becomes a generalised topic for the entire society. We have preconceived notion of how this woman would be, how she will behave, how she will treat a daughter in law & her family. Thanks to all the spice added to this topic by the media in general. 

There were three woman who helped me get a positive outlook about this topic. A lady psychologist, my boss & last but not the least my mother. What did they say to me ? 

Psychologist : In a television program, she was addressing the women in the age group of 20’s & 30’s. She told,” Do you know why your MILs are very closely attached to their sons? They are at least 30 years old than you. In those days, they did not have the relationship with their husband like we young girls have today. The relationship with their husband was more of respect and less of love. Now, this woman, seeks & showers all this love on her son. That is why she finds meaning to her life from her son rather than her husband. Now when she gets this son married to somebody, she feels losing out on the meaning of her life.”

My Boss : When I gave her my wedding invitation, she made me sit in her cabin for a while & shared a few thoughts. She told me , “Take this as an advice from a mother. This will really help you.” 

“Priyanka, I am mother of 19 year old son. You know what gives me sleepless nights these days? The fact that there will be another woman in his life 7-8 years down the lane, she will love & care for him more than me. This fact pierces my heart” 

I was shocked that she was worrying about something that’s to happen a decade later. I asked her, “ Mam, you have almost 10 years for that now. Does it hurt that much?”

“Trust me, it does. Financially & socially, I am not dependent on him. But emotionally, he is my everything. I can’t imagine the plight of a stay at home mother who has no other world, but just her son. “ 

“So, tomorrow, what ever happens in your life between you & your MIL, try to think of her in my shoes. You will be able to relate to her better. I’m not saying that everyone out there is good or bad. But, if you try to think from the other perspective, it might help” 

My Mother : My mother is someone, who rarely gives advice, especially when it comes to my marriage. The first & last time she spoke about my in- laws was on the day of my marriage. We were returning home after the wedding, she was sitting beside me in the car. She started talking to me with no salutations as such , “ You fight with his parents or his parents fight with you, the only person who will be affected is your husband. Remember that always.”  After that we haven’t spoke anything about my in laws till date. 

Whether all these women were right or wrong, is another debate altogether. But, in my experience , I felt they all 3 were right. All their reasoning comes from the presumption that we live in a traditional Indian household which gives more importance to their sons than the daughters. I am glad that things have changed a lot these days & modern parents, treasure both a boy & girl equally. 

Relationship with my MIL : In my relationship with her, I feel, there were always 4 stakeholders (Me, MIL, my husband & FIL) More than me & my MIL, it was my husband & my FIL who wanted to ensure that we both share a good bonding. They have done a great job in making us understand each other & giving both of us time for the same. 

While we took our time to understand each other, it was pregnancy-childbirth - postpartum that showed me that I had an empathetic well wisher in my MIL. Since then there has been no turning back. 

It is always about the small things that mattered the most. For instance, when my daughter was born, while, everyone's urge was to see the baby, my MIL stopped by me, touched my head & told me , “ I know it’s painful. But you have become a mother now , that’s what matters the most”. Similarly, I remember those small instances , that made a huge impact in our relationship. 

But, the most important thing being, "apologising to each other" Whenever, both of us knew that we hadn't done it right for the other person, we were forthcoming to accept, acknowledge & apologise. For me, apologising to an elder person wasn't difficult. But, I understand how difficult it must have been for my MIL, who sheds all her conventional boundaries. 

At the end, I would conclude by saying, for any relationship, it's always the intention of the people involved in it, that matters. Even if one person, doesn't have the right intention to make this relationship work, or has an intention to have an upper hand in the relationship, the relationship can never work. This holds true for all interpersonal relationships. 

But, this is not to say, that we are a fairy tale family, we are always happy, we never fight! No!  We are human beings,we have our own share of misunderstandings & altercations. What makes things easy, is the intention from both the sides to make this work. Till the intention is there, that will serve good for us.

This picture is so close to my heart. It was on my baby shower & I haven't ate anything since the morning, I was busy ensuring that everything goes well for the guests. But, she was literally behind me, asking me to have something. It was already 11 am. Then, she couldn't resist, she climbed up the stage, fed me two bananas, the first food I had for that day.